Isn’t it ironic, how you take a break when you feel like you’re breaking? When you lay in your bed for days and are mean to everyone when the only thing you want to do is cry and curl up in your mom’s lap? When you are sad without real reason? I think that that kind of sadness is the worst one, when you don’t really know why you’re not feeling well.
Lately I haven’t been feeling my best. I don’t know why. My parents are starting to get worried. Why do I isolate myself in my room and do nothing but read or scroll through tumblr for hours? Is there something wrong with me or am I just really really introverted? Or am I pms’ing? Is there an underlying reason?
The thing is, when I didn’t have friends, I told myself I felt bad because of that. Because of being lonely. Now I do have friends. I still feel sad often. When I am at school, I blame the bad feelings on the homework and the negative aura of school. Now I have two weeks of holidays but I still feel so unsatisfied. Why?? I had a sleepover with an awesome friend and I have one more planned next week, another friend is coming over and I’m probably going to the movies and a vegan restaurant with some friends of school. I have a lot of free time. But I don’t now what to do with it. Everything seems so useless. I don’t get really excited, I sigh a lot.
I don’t know what to do with the future and my life in general. Life seems worthless, we’re all atoms and when something or someone dies, the atoms stay the same, they are just being rearranged. I can’t seem to get the point.
I also have a lot of very happy days, but my second name is “mood swings”. Why can’t I find the balance? Why am I either super excited and kind and bouncy or mad, mean and just wanting to sleep and not wake up for a little while? Where is the harmony, the middle way? Why am I so extreme?
I share a lot of positivity on my instagram, and my mom asked me yesterday “Why are you so inspirational and stuff on instagram and so mean right now?”. That’s why I’m writing this post. I know people I know in real life are going to read this and that scares the shit out of me, but I don’t want to spread a fake image. This is how I’m going right now. I get a lot of messages on insta saying things like you’re my daily dose of positivity, everytime you post I get so happy, you are such an inspiration, I wish I had a friend like you, you are so wise, how are you always this happy, etc. Of course it’s super kind and cute but it makes me feel like a liar. I am not always happy. It’s probably on the happy moments that I feel like sharing things online. When I had a wonderful day and ate vegan icecream in the sun or laughed with my friends, that’s when I am satisfied and cheerfully share bright pictures and joyful captions. But there are days when I cry, scream at myself in the mirror, hate my own reflection and actions, when my body hurts and my paintings are full of red and black stains. When it feels like demons are eating you from the inside and a black wormhole is forming inside of you. When the excitement gets shattered to pieces.
I don’t really know where I’m going with all of this but I guess I want to be 100% real and raw and honest, and get stuff of my chest. If you never get things of your chest, you’ll never be able to breathe.
It’s important to remember that feelings are okay. That’s the thing about pain, it demands to be felt (gotta love John Green. I recently read PaperTowns and I watched the movie and it was sooo good). If you suppress your emotions, they won’t be able to get out and they will probably get ten times worse. Feel the pain. Scream. Write or sing, do what makes you feel relieved. I think writing this is very good therapy for me. It’s scary af to share this but it kinda feels good. Like something dark and heavy and suffocating is slowly sliding of my shoulders. And it’s good to be honest. Maybe more people feel what I feel and can relate (if you want, write what you feel in the comments so we can all help each other).
And on the other hand, it’s not that bad to be alone in my room. I have plenty of time to read books, (you HAVE to read Our Chemical Hearts by Krystal Sutherland), listen to music and make paintings or write long, incoherent and way too personal blogposts as I do now. It’s okay to take it slow. I love being alone. I just need to find the balance.
To end on a more positive note, a few weeks back I had an astonishing (amazing) day, i went outside with school, we explored and I made a flower crown and I was so happy. I made some outfit pics of that day, which I’m sharing in this post.
This is kind of a grandma outfit, because I realized that I got both the beautiful butterfly top and the jeans from my grandma 🙂 The white lace-y top under it is a secondhand item I got from my mom. A hundred percent vintage/ethical outfit thus, yay!
Me and Lana bought crystal bff-necklaces, so we could match but still have our own stone that matches our personality. Lana got an opalite, it is extremely beautiful and stands for optimism. I got an amethyst because I can see the universe in it and because it can help to keep your head clear and it stimulates creativity and spirituality and inspiration. I love it.
If you got this far with reading, thank you (does anyone even reads this? My old blog still gets more than a hundred views everyday eventhough I stopped posting on there and this blog can’t seem to get some views? I don’t understand it). Thank you for listening to me rambling and I hope your day is as nice as your personality.
ps: i just watched this video and as I said, me and mood swings are kinda synonyms. I feel a little motivation again. I DO NOT want a nine-to-five desk job for the rest of my life. I want to go on adventures, explore the world, taste new things and meet new people and swim in the ocean. I want to listen to music, and most importantly, I want to CREATE. Create art, youtube videos, blogposts, pictures, food, books, a life.
I want to create the best version of me.