fashion · personal · writings

the universe in a necklace // taking a break

17690369_669041103269057_157363485_nIsn’t it ironic, how you take a break when you feel like you’re breaking? When you lay in your bed for days and are mean to everyone when the only thing you want to do is cry and curl up in your mom’s lap? When you are sad without real reason? I think that that kind of sadness is the worst one, when you don’t really know why you’re not feeling well.

Lately I haven’t been feeling my best. I don’t know why. My parents are starting to get worried. Why do I isolate myself in my room and do nothing but read or scroll through tumblr for hours? Is there something wrong with me or am I just really really introverted? Or am I pms’ing? Is there an underlying reason?

17760522_669041023269065_964852899_n17792572_669041226602378_1318362571_nThe thing is, when I didn’t have friends, I told myself I felt bad because of that. Because of being lonely. Now I do have friends. I still feel sad often. When I am at school, I blame the bad feelings on the homework and the negative aura of school. Now I have two weeks of holidays but I still feel so unsatisfied. Why?? I had a sleepover with an awesome friend and I have one more planned next week, another friend is coming over and I’m probably going to the movies and a vegan restaurant with some friends of school. I have a lot of free time. But I don’t now what to do with it. Everything seems so useless. I don’t get really excited, I sigh a lot.

17757966_669041176602383_1087652220_n17793314_669041263269041_1337342541_nI don’t know what to do with the future and my life in general. Life seems worthless, we’re all atoms and when something or someone dies, the atoms stay the same, they are just being rearranged. I can’t seem to get the point.

I also have a lot of very happy days, but my second name is “mood swings”. Why can’t I find the balance? Why am I either super excited and kind and bouncy or mad, mean and just wanting to sleep and not wake up for a little while? Where is the harmony, the middle way? Why am I so extreme?

17670935_669041163269051_1096143782_n17760694_669041183269049_1639585792_nI share a lot of positivity on my instagram, and my mom asked me yesterday “Why are you so inspirational and stuff on instagram and so mean right now?”. That’s why I’m writing this post. I know people I know in real life are going to read this and that scares the shit out of me, but I don’t want to spread a fake image. This is how I’m going right now. I get a lot of messages on insta saying things like you’re my daily dose of positivity, everytime you post I get so happy, you are such an inspiration, I wish I had a friend like you, you are so wise, how are you always this happy, etc. Of course it’s super kind and cute but it makes me feel like a liar. I am not always happy. It’s probably on the happy moments that I feel like sharing things online. When I had a wonderful day and ate vegan icecream in the sun or laughed with my friends, that’s when I am satisfied and cheerfully share bright pictures and joyful captions. But there are days when I cry, scream at myself in the mirror, hate my own reflection and actions, when my body hurts and my paintings are full of red and black stains. When it feels like demons are eating you from the inside and a black wormhole is forming inside of you. When the excitement gets shattered to pieces.

17792328_669041013269066_633428948_n17760369_669041043269063_2008727448_nI don’t really know where I’m going with all of this but I guess I want to be 100% real and raw and honest, and get stuff of my chest. If you never get things of your chest, you’ll never be able to breathe.

It’s important to remember that feelings are okay. That’s the thing about pain, it demands to be felt (gotta love John Green. I recently read PaperTowns and I watched the movie and it was sooo good). If you suppress your emotions, they won’t be able to get out and they will probably get ten times worse. Feel the pain. Scream. Write or sing, do what makes you feel relieved. I think writing this is very good therapy for me. It’s scary af to share this but it kinda feels good. Like something dark and heavy and suffocating is slowly sliding of my shoulders. And it’s good to be honest. Maybe more people feel what I feel and can relate (if you want, write what you feel in the comments so we can all help each other).

17690746_669041196602381_2001226086_n17792984_669041126602388_1996422673_nAnd on the other hand, it’s not that bad to be alone in my room. I have plenty of time to read books, (you HAVE to read Our Chemical Hearts by Krystal Sutherland), listen to music and make paintings or write long, incoherent and way too personal blogposts as I do now. It’s okay to take it slow. I love being alone. I just need to find the balance.

To end on a more positive note, a few weeks back I had an astonishing (amazing) day, i went outside with school, we explored and I made a flower crown and I was so happy. I made some outfit pics of that day, which I’m sharing in this post.

17760362_669041109935723_1426180909_n17793207_669041149935719_70626340_n17760742_669041253269042_1732201052_nThis is kind of a grandma outfit, because I realized that I got both the beautiful butterfly top and the jeans from my grandma 🙂 The white lace-y top under it is a secondhand item I got from my mom. A hundred percent vintage/ethical outfit thus, yay!

17760458_669040979935736_1873524608_n17742473_669041243269043_1324611654_nMe and Lana bought crystal bff-necklaces, so we could match but still have our own stone that matches our personality. Lana got an opalite, it is extremely beautiful and stands for optimism. I got an amethyst because I can see the universe in it and because it can help to keep your head clear and it stimulates creativity and spirituality and inspiration. I love it.17792627_669040996602401_972071968_n

If you got this far with reading, thank you (does anyone even reads this? My old blog still gets more than a hundred views everyday eventhough I stopped posting on there and this blog can’t seem to get some views? I don’t understand it). Thank you for listening to me rambling and I hope your day is as nice as your personality.

love, Charlie

17793125_669041219935712_1247211539_nps: i just watched this video and as I said, me and mood swings are kinda synonyms. I feel a little motivation again. I DO NOT want a nine-to-five desk job for the rest of my life. I want to go on adventures, explore the world, taste new things and meet new people and swim in the ocean. I want to listen to music, and most importantly, I want to CREATE. Create art, youtube videos, blogposts, pictures, food, books, a life.

I want to create the best version of me.

4 thoughts on “the universe in a necklace // taking a break

  1. Totally 100% relatable, even if I don´t know you IRL. I remember having those exact feelings and intense moodswings from when I was around your age, wondering if they would ever go away. Now I´m almost 30, and no, they didn´t go anywhere, they are still a part of me. They come and go and I don´t know when or why.
    I agree, the sadness without even knowing why, is really hard. In my head it is usually followed by guilt, because I feel like I´m annoying others because I´m so sad and I can´t even explain why. I feel misunderstood and generally very sorry for myself during those moments, but I also feel like I don´t deserve to feel sorry for myself as there´s no real reason for my feelings. But then the guilt makes me more sad, and that makes me feel more guilt, and so on and so on. It takes a while to snap out of it and sometimes that´s harder than other times.
    But although this sounds cliché, I think going through sessions of intense, deep, dark feelings makes me appreciate the happy moments so much more. It´s why you can smile at the sun and be brave enough to be vegan and allow yourself to understand the pain of others (and decide you don´t want to be someone who supports that). It makes you an interesting person, who can relate to a lot of emotions on the whole scale from dark to light.
    That´s why you can be inspirational, because you also allow yourself to be really happy and share your brightest moments with others, because you recognize them and appreciate them. You are not a liar if you don´t feel happy all the time – those happy feelings you had that day were real, and they will always stay like that because you can´t change the past 🙂
    By the way…. You´re right though, everything is essentially pointless! Sometimes when I feel really down that thought is what gets me through. Everything is completely pointless, but somewhere in that pointlessness there´s a lot of beauty and you´re lucky to experience small shimmers of that beauty every now and then 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. woah Ju thank you for your long comment… it means so much that you took the time to read everything and write all of this.
      and i never looked at it that way… that my dark times make me appriciate my bright ones. i guess it’s really true. i have days like today where i find myself ugly af and everything and especially myself worthless, but i also have days when i feel over the moon and excited and maybe without days like today i wouldn’t be as happy on those beautiful days filled with light and glitter.
      and it’s true that i can associate to a lot of people and feelings…
      thank you for your beautiful comment, much love to you ♡

      Like

  2. Ik snap je helemaal! Ik ga de laatste tijd zelf door zo’n rare tijden en ik snap heel goed dat het moeilijk is.
    Ik vind het heel erg aanmoedigend en fijn dat je dit kan delen, het helpt me om te weten dat ik niet de enigste ben die met zo’n gevoel kampt…
    Maar je moet je niet zomaar laten doen! Gebruik je motivatie en je kunst en ik weet zeker dat je hieruit kan geraken!
    Ik voel me zelf zeer down en heel ongemotiveerd waardoor er op mijn blog al een paar maanden niets meer is bijgekomen, dit maakt me heel erg bang… Raar om te verwoorden.
    Maar ik ben zo blij dat je deze blogpost hebt geschreven! 🙂
    Vergeet niet dat je me altijd wel eens een berichtje kunt sturen! 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    1. hey lieve Celia ♡
      het is altijd goed om te weten dat we niet alleen zijn, het kan helpen om eruit te komen. ik hoop echt dat het beter wordt, ik heb altijd het gevoel dat het weer beter gaat maar dan heb ik dagen zoals vandaag waar ik mezelf lelijk vindt en alles stom is en vooral ikzelf.
      we slaan ons erdoor !!
      jij mag mij ook altijd berichtjes sturen okay?? veel love xx

      Like

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