personal · photography · self love · writings

hiya i’m back at it again

DSC_0223hi. wow. this is weird.

maybe you noticed. it’s been a while. my last blogpost was published three and a half, almost four months ago. in those months, my words have found their way out of my brain either through instagram captions, through texts at my (ex?) best friend or through a pen and little notebooks. lately i’ve emptied pens at an incredibly high speed. i wasn’t safe anywhere but my diary, and the thoughts needed to get out of my brain. they had to get out, to transform into sentences to clear the messy chaos or chaotic mess that is my head. 

writing heals me, wow. i can feel it every time i take a pen and see the waves of words crashing out of me. my teacher said i developed a talent that i did not possess a year ago. that made me confident to use my words again. for example, right now, i didn’t have much of a plan for an intro to this post but the words just come, out of nowhere, out of my head, without difficulty. this is raw, you guys, this is me. maybe words is my soul, in a pure, easy way. i don’t know. but i do know that writing feels so damn good and i feel so light when my fingers touch the keyboard and it feels so clear, and i want to get back at it. i already started writing on paper on a regular basis and i now want to expand that to my blog. this feels calmer than instagram. on there, there’s so many people i know in real life, there is so much pressure on numbers. i hate numbers. they scare me. on here, i can write for as long as i want and i can’t really see who reads it. to some that may sound quite frightening, but i find it freeing.

anywhoo. last year, on my old blog (happy and veg feels so so long ago. so much happened this year), i wrote a post about things i wanted to do in 2017. i thought it would be fun to look back at that list and to reflect on if i did do those things. i honestly had completely forgotten about it so i have no idea what i’m about to read. and after that i want to make another list, for 2018. let’s go. DSC_0225

be myself.
i think this kinda worked. i started accepting myself, which is the first step to self love. i completely let go of the idea of wanting to fit in and that helped me so much to start fitting in with myself, my own values and ideas. i developed my own style and stopped caring what others thought of me.

create more.
i did make lots of art this year, but still not as much as i’d want. i always say school and homework take too much time but i also just wasted way too much time online. but i did start writing tons, painting my feelings and tried to make sense out of the mess in my body by splashing it on paper.

learn new things.
in 2017, i started playing the ukulele, i got better at speaking british (and english in general), as mentioned above i think i got better at writing,i learnt to cut my own hair and the hair of my sisters, i am now a professional at taking care of old people and i started pole dancing. much new things and i’m proud of those.

take care of my body.
hmm. not sure about how well i did this. not too great, being truthful. i should pay more attention to it, probably.

be healthier.
uhm well i did start doing a sport that i adore (pole fitness) which is very good for me, my body, my self confidence, and of course i’m vegan, but my thoughts and words towards myself haven’t been the healthiest. what’s healthier than kale is a healthy relationship with food and i’m not sure if i had (have) that. and self destructive thoughts aren’t the most healthy either. (to be clear: they’re extremely unhealthy.)

fall in love.
uhh. no comment. let’s say, in any case, not successfully. i did start to fall in love with myself, but it’s a work in progress and i’m not there yet at all.

treat myself like a little child.
woops. was mean to myself, went to bed late, that’s not exactly what you do to a little child, i guess.

keep spreading the things I believe in.
heck yeahh i did that! i spoke up in class for feminism and when people made suicide or self harm jokes, i went up to them and told them it was far from funny. i gained respect for that. i told people about veganism, self love, equality and that has been very successful 🙂

connect.
i made new friends. lost them, lost old ones, reconnected with old ones. i had moments where i have been incredibly out of touch with myself but i’m also learning to reconnect to me. i found myself in the forest (ahh now i want to go!!) where i discovered the best connection between me and the earth and between me and me. and i connected to amazing people online which was wonderful as well.

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be kind.
partially. i tried my best but it’s not always easy. but as i wrote before, i’m a work in progress and that’s okay. as long as i remind myself of what i find important.

love myself/love my body.
okay so let’s say i’m on my way. i have moments of self loath, because relapse is a (horribly annoying) thing, but i think in general i can say that i’m getting better at it. i often glance in the mirror and smile at me, and pole dance also really taught me to appreciate my body and its incredible strength.

okay woah. that was quite a lot. i first wanted to do my 2018 list in this post too but i think that’s going to be too long, so that post will come online soon as well, on its own. (i’m just going to write it now too and schedule it for in a few days). i hope that you see an evolution in me, in you, that you can reflect on yourself this past year in a loving and encouraging way and simply that you enjoyed reading this post.

love, charlie

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6 thoughts on “hiya i’m back at it again

  1. It’s truly amazing the way you express yourself dear Charlotte, I’m very, very proud of you, my oldest granddaughter.
    I admire you for expressing your vulnarability, for the way you look at yourself with an open and honest mind and I’m sure 2018 will be a much better and loving year for you, you are growing into a wonderful adolescent woman my dear Charlotte, I love you from here to the moon and back.

    Liked by 1 person

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